Maybe when your first real introduction to Jesus is through a dream, you should expect life to take an unexpected turn. Tessa Afshar, who was born in a nominally Muslim family in the Middle East, ended up being a best-selling author of Christian books. In today’s reflection, she writes about her battle with anxiety and how she learned an important lesson from Esther.  It’s a joy to welcome Tessa to the farm’s table today…

Guest Post by Tessa Afshar

I pressed myself beyond my endurance until, finally, I experienced a terrifying burnout. For a whole month, I could not work, or pray, or accomplish anything.

Twenty years ago, my life fell apart.

I had been shouldering pressures I had not been designed to carry, pushing myself into a rhythm that lacked the biblical balance of work and rest. Year after year, I pressed myself beyond my endurance until, finally, I experienced a terrifying burnout. For a whole month, I could not work, or pray, or accomplish anything.

The burnout opened the door to anxiety. A deadly parade of what-ifs that attacked me relentlessly. What if I never improved? What if I couldn’t work? What if this was the rest of my life? What if I couldn’t pay the mortgage?

Because these thoughts were so persistent, they dug a trench into my psyche. Anxiety became a way of life. Even when I wasn’t thinking of any scary possibilities, I felt anxious. Everything sparked a fire of stress: work, travel, people. All of life had become overwhelming.

As I struggled with this unwieldy foe, my body started to fall apart.

“There is something terrifying about being trapped in a body that isn’t functioning right. You can’t run away from your own body. You can’t predict when it will decide to misbehave.“

I began to suffer from neurological symptoms as well as stomach pain and nausea. This only exacerbated the anxiety. There is something terrifying about being trapped in a body that isn’t functioning right. You can’t run away from your own body. You can’t predict when it will decide to misbehave.

Sickness can pull the rug of security right out from under your feet.

The combination of anxiety, ill health, and a general sense of constant weariness brought me to my knees.

Finally, I said, “God, I can’t do this.” It became a habitual inward thought. “I can’t, God.”

Life has a way of reducing us to our I can’t places.

Just ask Esther.

Most of us are familiar with this famous verse when Esther’s cousin Mordecai asks her to help the Jewish people: “And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” (Est. 4:14 NIV). It’s an encouragement we hold dear because it reminds us that God is in control of our times and places. That we have a role to play in His plans. That we aren’t in this particular situation by happenstance. And all of that is true.

But when Mordecai originally speaks these words, he means them as a little slap on the back of Esther’s hand.

A tiny rebuke.

Mordecai has just revealed to Esther that their people, the Jews, are in mortal danger. He has asked Esther to intercede on their behalf with the king. To use her influence as queen in order to save a whole generation of their people from Haman’s terrible plot.

And Esther’s initial response to this heartfelt cry for help is essentially, I can’t.

“Our thirty days, or thirty months, or thirty years of rejection and heartache don’t have the power to overcome God’s such a time as this.“

She reminds Mordecai that according to Persian law, if anyone appears before the king without being invited, they will be put to death. There is an exception clause. If the king himself intercedes on behalf of the intruder by raising his royal scepter of authority, they can be saved. But Esther doesn’t have any guarantee that the king will intercede on her behalf. In fact, she seems convinced that he will not protect her.

You see, her husband, the king, has not sent for Esther in thirty days. And Esther interprets her situation through the lens of those thirty days.

She has been married for five years at this point. And for a reason the Bible does not disclose, her husband has shown no interest in spending time with her for a whole month.

A month of rejection.

Esther’s response to Mordecai’s request revolves on the spine of this heartache. This painful time of being unwanted. Unnoticed. Unloved.

That’s why Mordecai has to remind her of God’s such a time as this.

God’s timeline trumps ours. Our thirty days, or thirty months, or thirty years of rejection and heartache don’t have the power to overcome God’s such a time as this.

Often, when we have been reduced by life’s hardships, we measure our ability by our human timeline and arrive at the conclusion that we can’t.

Maybe that’s where you are right now. Maybe all you hear reverberating in your mind is: I can’t do this. I can’t cope. I can’t manage. I can’t survive this. I can’t.

“…the last thirty days or weeks or months don’t rule your life. They don’t get to dictate your future. They don’t have a right over you... You belong to God’s such a time as this.“

But there’s the story of Esther: the last thirty days or weeks or months don’t rule your life. They don’t get to dictate your future. They don’t have a right over you. 

You belong to God’s such a time as this.

Like Esther, I had to learn this lesson in my own life. I had to repent of my I can’t. I had to capture that thought over and over again, and make it obedient to Christ. I had to agree with God’s Word that He who had called me is faithful; He would surely do it (1 Thess. 5:24). 

I had to learn an important truth. It is a truth I practice to this day: Jesus, with You, I can. I can walk through this wilderness and emerge on the other side.

Once your soul learns that truth, the roar of discouragement is diminished to a mosquito’s buzz. 

This hard season, this time of I can’t, may turn out to be some of the most fruitful in your own life. So grab hold of God’s such a time as this.

Be mindful of the places you are whispering I can’t with God. Don’t let them block your rest. 

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{ Our humble thanks to Moody Publishers for their partnership in today’s devotional.}