Guest Post by Brad and Marilyn Rhoads

Sometimes it is easier to extend grace during deep trials than in the day-to-day grind. 

God’s grace is needed in the day-to-day moments because this is where we live most of our lives. 

During the hard times, whether family deaths or health crises, Marilyn and I have found it easy to cut each other some slack. We get closer when the going gets tough.

Great marriages are made not just in pulling together during the lows of hardship or the highs of celebration, but also in the flat days of doing laundry, packing lunches, and cleaning out closets.

Many marriages unravel not because of a landmark fight or extreme difficulty, but because of the slow accumulation of resentment and distance that was never scrubbed away by grace.

God’s grace is needed in the day-to-day moments because this is where we live most of our lives. 

There are several reasons why the dailiness of life can be so hard on marriages, but personal differences and external pressures are two of the most significant.

No two people are exactly alike, and this is a major source of friction in nearly every marriage.

No spouse behaves exactly like the other wishes they would. Priorities are different; tolerance levels are different. I once told Marilyn, “I bet you wish I came with a remote control!”

I’m guessing you could list some things your spouse does that drive you bonkers. Does she crunch her cereal loud enough to wake the dead? Do his gym clothes smell like a small animal died in the hamper? Does she always comment on your driving? Does he have an incredible capacity to tune you out?

Each of us has areas of weakness, sin patterns, and foibles that get on our spouse’s nerves. And are you ready for the really bad news?

For most of us, those patterns rarely disappear entirely.

As I’ve said, I was messy when we first got married—like, college dorm messy.

I’m now much better than I used to be, but without thinking, I’ll still sometimes lay my sweaty workout clothes on the kitchen counter.

Instead of expecting her to live like I would, I’ve learned to extend grace and allow her to be her.

So, the key to harmony and peace can’t be behavioral consistency. No matter how hard we try to appease our spouse, we are bent a certain way, for better or worse.

The answer is an easygoing, everyday grace.

Learn not to hold little annoyances against each other. Trust me, this is much more effective than trying to teach, train, motivate, or manipulate your spouse to be more like you want him or her to be.

I’ll give you an example from our marriage.

I like lists, routines, and schedules. They are my path to productivity and peace. Marilyn hates them. She likes to go with the flow and get stuff done on her own time.

For a while, I tried to show her that my approach was more effective. I thought her productivity would skyrocket with a little coaching. But do you think she jumped on board with my checklists?

No. I got on her every nerve. She told me, “If I did life like you, I’d be absolutely miserable all the time!” Our debates over her way of doing life were never fruitful. But instead of expecting her to live like I would, I’ve learned to extend grace and allow her to be her. And she allows me to be me.

This can be hard to do.

Each of us thinks we are right. As Proverbs says, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes.” Deep down, each of us thinks that if our spouse just bought into our program, life would be better.

One time, I (Marilyn) forgot to pick up a very important prescription for our daughter.

By the time I remembered, the pharmacy was closed. I felt sick to my stomach. How could I do that? She needs that medicine to prevent seizures! What kind of mom am I? There’s no excuse for this.

When Brad came home, I choked up as I told him how I’d blown it. I was prepared for a lecture on the importance of being more organized, of keeping lists so I didn’t forget things like this. I certainly deserved it.

We needn’t get bogged down in our spouse’s humanity when we’re focused on Christ’s sufficiency.

Instead, Brad hugged me tightly, then took my face in his hands and told me, “Marilyn, you do a thousand things every week. It is amazing you don’t forget more than you do. I’ll pick up the prescription on my way to work, then drop it off at school. And she’ll be just fine. Don’t worry about it.”

What a tangible gift of God’s grace!

Brad’s response set me free from feeling condemned as a terrible mom. If he had gone into lecture mode, I would have agreed with him. I might have even tried the list system (for a week or so). But that would not have benefited me; it would have increased the pressure I already felt and been unhelpful to our marriage.

Guilt and condemnation are poor building blocks for relationships. Love covers a multitude of sins . . . and slip-ups.

We needn’t get bogged down in our spouse’s humanity when we’re focused on Christ’s sufficiency. We don’t tend to get hot and bothered over trifling offenses when we have an eternal perspective. 

Paul was speaking of much greater persecution than a frustrating spouse when he said, “this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18). 

Keep heaven in your sights. Don’t make your spouse’s annoying tendencies into more than they actually are.

You are bought by the blood of Christ, loved beyond measure, and bound for endless glory. There aren’t many bad moods that don’t brighten when we’re walking in that truth.

[ Our humble thanks to Moody Publishers for their partnership in today’s devotional. ]